I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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