She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
