my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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