you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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