forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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