i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
