so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
