the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
