shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
