A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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