I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
