So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
