When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
