There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
