Don't make out with my wife yet
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
