party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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