she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
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Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
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Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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