You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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