just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
