I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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