u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
