Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
