It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
