my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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