Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
