there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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