im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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