Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
