the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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