did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
