Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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