We need to rekindle our bromance
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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