just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
