I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
