I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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