Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
