his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
