I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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