Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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