you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
