Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
MIDGETS
????
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
