somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
