You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
