I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
