If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
my liver is dry heaving
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
