Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
