you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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