i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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