you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
