i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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