There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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