did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
