I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
