Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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